Outside the Window

I remember it was a cold and windy day. It rained later. I had work to do but I did not think about it. I was only thinking of him. Did I have a chance or was I a fool? I knew I was in love. I knew it for a while. And deep down inside of me there it lingered, like a shadow, like a creature of the deep-sea sleeping, knowing it would never happen. If only it had ascended like a siren and sung to me about love that could never be. Sitting on the rocks, waves breaking, dreams crushing. But it did not. There was only silence inside of me, a feeling I tried to figure out but was unable to.

I had work to do but I did not think about it. Something to do, something to read or write maybe but I did not focus. Even now I can’t remember what I did. I was waiting for him to reply. Waiting to hear from him, anything, something, nothing at all, something unimportant, a meaningless sign that would hint at something meaningful. That just around the corner there could be something more.

I could hear the wind howling outside. There were no lights on. I did not need any. Daylight was strong enough. But it was a grey light. A light fading and I could see dark clouds rushing over the sky, the scent of rain was in the air. I could feel the pressure drop, as it always did right before a thunderstorm. It was so quiet, my thoughts loud inside my head, my heart beating for him, useless.

Suddenly, the windows burst open, cold air came rushing in, the curtains moved like shadows in the wind. It would be a summer storm. Thick raindrops were already coming down outside. The breeze, that heated summer air, hot and cool, filled with the scent of rain touched my skin. And in this moment, when the windows burst open, I knew he would not text back. I looked at my phone. I would not hear from him in weeks. And then his voice, his tone would have already changed. No chance for love, nothing real anymore. I looked at the window again. Outside the green trees were ready to be splattered with rain as I would have been ready for his love or just his touch, a smile, anything. The wind accelerated and the branches began to shake violently. This would be a big storm. Above the trees the clouds stood in stark contrast to the nature below. They were racing up there, stormy winds pulling at my thoughts.

I did not see lightning but I could hear thunder growling beyond the clouds, somewhere far away. I walked over to the window, touched the curtain gently, as if to calm it down like an animal gone wild, afraid of the storm. The fabric was smooth. Now I could properly smell the rain and I could hear the raindrops coming down with force. I closed the window. I did not let the storm come inside. Everything went quiet, the storm, the rain, the wind, its strength shut out. It could have raged somewhere far away. I sighed, turned around and went back to work.